Parenting your kid’s Peer “Influence”
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson, American Philosopher
Peer groups are important for young people as they grow, learn, adapt and adopt. Children need to know how to get along with the social community they are a part of. They need to develop a sense of belonging among those who share similar interests, ideas and values. They need to explore and find out their skills and desires from the innumerous options available. On the above-mentioned life processes of a young one, peer groups play a crucial role.
“Peer pressure” is a commonly used term within the academia, often with negative connotations. So, it is better to ponder over the term “Peer influence” to avoid prejudices. And also, peer influence is a better way to describe how teenagers’ behavior is shaped by the desire to be in a group of friends or peers. In simple terms, when a kid chooses to act in a particular way because he/she might want to feel accepted by the circle of friends.
Peer influence can be both positive and negative. For example, your child if introverted in general, might be influenced to become more active and get involved in community works. This kind of influence by peer group on an individual, wherein he/she is motivated to become confident and acquire new abilities can be seen as positive. On the other hand, children might also choose to attempt things they normally wouldn’t be interested in nor would benefit them in any specific way. Such kinds of activities like breaking rules, adopting an exuberant lifestyle etc., might give them a sense of belonging but in a longer run breaks their self-esteem devoid of their self-identity.
Parents might find the influence of peers in their children when they choose to dress or groom themselves in a certain way; adopt a popular sensibility in the form of music, art and sport; taking up academics either seriously or lightly etc. But the essential point is to check if the kid is being carried away by what seems to be “popular” at the stake of his/her “individuality.
This is when the role of a parent steps in, the ultimate goal being helping the kid find the right balance between “fitting in” and “non-compromise on individuality”. Parents are always the primary support structure for children to open up, to seek help and warmth. This relationship is built by giving the kid the required trust and love.
- Parents should regularly have conversations with their kids and ask them what they expect from their friends and what do they get in turn.
- Parents should refrain from discarding the role of peers with their prejudices, rather discuss what do they personally value and how the kid’s action might eventually contradict those values.
- The key is to boost the kid’s self-esteem and confidence in being able to say “No” at times of compulsion. This again comes with the kid’s ability to prioritize values and needs and to make one’s own decisions.
- Compromises come with the fear of being left out or losing friends. Here, parents will have to let them know that they are important and worthy within themselves.
Parents should let the kids know that they are always an ally with whom they can discuss their relationships and vulnerabilities. Parents, without imposing theirs, should facilitate the kids to form their own value system which will not be compromised by any source of influence. A kid capable to aspire enough through the lens of his/her values will find a place in the peer group with least negative influence.
Read MoreDealing with adolescent changes
If you are a parent of teen, it’s time for you to awaken and furnish yourself with as much information about the teen’s brain and its unique ways of working, the challenges you will be facing and the strategies to come through this period.
Though a child brain is about 90-95 per cent of adult size at the age of six, it needs a lot of transformation before it can work as an adult brain. The brain doesn’t finish developing and maturing till mid-to-late-20s.While frontal cortex is the area responsible for decision making, unfortunately, the last part to mature in the brain is also the same frontal cortex. Limbic system which is the seat of risk, reward, impulse and emotion dominate the frontal cortex when it is still under construction.
The limbic system develops earlier and faster than the cortex, meaning that until the cortex can catch up with the limbic system, the desire for rewards and social pressures overrides rational thinking (Steinberg, 2007; Galvan, 2007; Casey, 2007).
However, this doesn’t mean that the teenagers can never make good decisions; also, it doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions. Awareness about the teen’s brain and the reasons for their sudden impulsive, irrational and dangerous behaviours would help the parents manage the behaviour in a healthy manner.
Here are few things that parents of teens to look into:
- Check your leadership style:
Some parents are permissive and give unrestricted freedom to the teenagers that make them face the consequences. Children of permissive parents always have a feeling of insecurity and guilt because of their inconsiderate behaviours. This may lead to more risky behaviours in teens. While some are authoritative and they have unrealistic expectations that create unnecessary pressure in teenagers. Children of authoritative parents may develop fear, anxiety, rebellious behaviour and lack self-confidence. Thus, practicing a healthy balance between the two would help you raise self-disciplined children.
- Develop clear expectations for behaviours:
Be specific about the things that you expect from your children and communicate them openly. Letting them know your expectations on good grades, acting respectfully would inculcate responsibility in teens and would also prepare them to say no while tempted for risky behaviours such as substance abuse. Reviewing the expectations often would help them go in the right direction.
- Acknowledge their emotions:
Acknowledging what you see in them, their feelings, needs, wants will give a space to discover them better. Be it anger, sadness, jealousy, anxiety, whatever the emotion is, acknowledge the feelings which will open a safe way to explore their experience.
- Support healthy brain development:
Promote good thinking skills by defining problems, finding options, considering consequences. Encourage positive behaviour by emphasizing empathy, talking about other people’s perspectives. Ensure that you child has comfortable and quiet sleep environment. Support healthy brain development by making sure the teens get enough sleep, physical activity and healthy nutrition. Encourage your child to drink plenty of water. Following a healthy diet that benefits the brain is an amazing way to support your child. Ensure your child does physical exercise (when at home) which doesn’t only keep the body fit but also keeps the brain sharp.
Author: NANCY G
References :
http://www.practicenotes.org/v17n3/brain.htm
https://www.kidshealth.org.nz/adolescent-brain-development
https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/understanding-your-pre-teen/brain-development-teens